New Year, New Ponderings

Hello my dear little readers. It's been far too long. I would say that I've missed you, but I don't know half of you so I would be lying and I'm nothing if not brutally honest.

...

You're right. I lie all the time. It's New Year's Eve so what the platypus, I'VE MISSED ALL OF YOU.
Hope that lie made you feel warm and sticky inside.

So, tonight, I'm ending the year with a fizzle not a bang. I'm even going to bed early. Oh yeah, I'm a trend setter. Instead of some celebratory blog post or fond memories of the year, I am going to ponder random things that may or may not make any sense to the average human being. Of course, I'm not human at all, so my understanding of human logic is limited.

For example, this evening I was looking over my eBay record. It's spotless. Everyone says I'm an excellent buyer and that I make lightning fast payments. It's the most ridiculous thing ever, but I feel like showcasing this on my Facebook profile. I feel like printing it out and framing it. Here I have to wonder if this is my inner nerd shining through or if I have some other deep-seated issue. Of course, I have a lot of issues, so it makes it confusing to ever isolate just one of them. For now, we will assume that I'm just the supreme empress of the nerds and that it is my duty to be proud of such things.

I think too much and this made me wonder what it would be like to be a successful, big-shot eBay seller. I've never sold anything on eBay before, (although I've considered it) so this is all just speculation, but this is how I think a day in the life would go:

2 pm: Wake up.

2:01 pm: Stretch; admire gold-plated ceiling with cheese engravings

2:07 pm: Go back to sleep.

4:05 pm: Wake back up. Check for sells.

4:09 pm: Dance in my money.

4:30 pm: Have old decrepit woman with a pet hippo from next door yell at me for counting my money too loudly.

Old Lady yelling at me with her Pet Hippo
 who is wearing makeup for some inexplicable reason

5:00 pm: Have someone bring me a sammich.

5:30 pm: Sell stuff.

6:00 pm: Smell my money.

6:00: 01 pm: Sneeze because I'm allergic to paper.

6:02 pm: Laugh hysterically for no apparent reason.

6:30 pm: Watch season finale of Oprah on DVD.

6:35 pm: Pause season finale of Oprah to laugh at a funny face someone is making.

7:00 pm: Work on my jet pack blueprints.

8:00 pm: Sing my capybara twins to sleep.

9:00 pm: Sing loudly to the "Double Rainbow Song." Over and over again.

10:00 pm: Wake up the twins with my obnoxious singing. Soothe them and put them back to sleep.

11:00 pm: Skip down the street in a toga and pirate boots.

11:15 pm: Have neighbors yelling at me again, threatening me with their flying hippos.

12:00 am: Devise world domination plans.

3:00 am: Train spandex-wearing cockroach minions.

4:00 am: Train pet platypus.

5:00 am: Eat cheese.

5:01 am: Attend Cheese consul meeting.

5:04 am: Attend Capybara Parents Association (CPA) meeting

5:06 am: Sleep through CPA meeting

7:00 am: Go to eBay headquarters where my powerseller office awaits.

7:01 am: Go back to sleep.

END OF DAY.

I've never sold anything on eBay, but I HAVE done some research. I think this step by step is the closest you'll get to a day in the life.

On a completely separate and random note, WHAT HAPPENS AT PARTIES? Really. I have no clue. It's not that I've never been to a party before, it's just that...I've never been all that attentive. Can someone fill me in? Do you sit and stare at people? And what's the point of mingling anyway? Why can't you just talk to the people you like and ignore all the other losers *cough* I mean people. What's the point of parties? Why are they fun? If you don't like to dance, talk to people, eat, or interact with humans on any level, can you even have fun at a party? Is there a hermit friendly alternative to parties?

Are they a conspiracy of the garden gnomes? If so, I have a message.
Squabs, if you're reading this, know that your plan will not succeed.

It's 10:15 and it's time to go to bed, people of the world.

Happy New Year.
G'night

I Has Hiccups

Stop judging me for my lack of updates. Don't think I don't know you guys sent me that basket full of melted cheese. What am I supposed to with melted cheese, huh? You didn't send me any CHIPS!

I have the hiccups...which reminds me... I saw "How to Train your Dragon" last night and have come to the conclusion that I want a pet Viking. Their hats are so pointy and sharp.  AND they come with dragons!

I think I'll name my Viking...Sauce. Yeah...Sauce the Viking.

Anyway, How to Train Your Dragon is without any doubt the best movie I've seen all year...and I've seen a LOT of movies this years. Far more than I care to admit.

It was everything I could ask for from an animated movie: visually stunning, cool characters, and a decent plot. And though I really like Hiccup, Toothless was the star of the show. I mean, honestly, his name is TOOTHLESS. How can you not love a creature with such a wonderful name?

I guess after such a long time since my last post you don't want my psychotic babble about how I'm in love with toothless dragons. Instead, I'll rant about midterms.

I've decided for this year's midterms I'm not going to study. In fact, I may not even show up. Despite my total lack of effort, I will still ace my midterms.

This is all because over the years, I have collected a large assortment of minions. I will soon post on how you, too, can command your very own army of personal minions.

But now, I must study for midterms...*cough* I mean...collect minions...

How to Cope With Facebook Stalking

Just. Say. No.

You know what I hate? Crumbly muffins.

You know what I hate more than crumbly muffins? Eating crumbly muffins in public. It's so embarrassing. If you don't eat the muffin you look stupid. Who buys muffins and doesn't eat them? Plus it's a good muffin...except it's crumbly. What's wrong with crumbly muffins? You look like an idiot while you eat them.

Crumbs are flying and...uh-oh...you just missed your mouth AGAIN. Now there's a nice puddle of crumbly muffin on your lap. You try to dust it off, but instead those rebellious little buggers stick to your pants. Crumbly muffins have no manners and that's why I hate them.

ACK. Now it's on Boo Radley's keyboard. UGH.

You know what I hate more than eating crumbly muffins in public? Not updating my blog in 2 weeks. Speaking of what I hate...

There are a lot of articles out there covering how to deal with Facebook stalkers, but no one ever tells you what to do when FACEBOOK is stalking you. Not someone on Facebook, the actual social networking site is stalking you. You may say this is outrageous, but happens far more often than you would think.

Here's how to cope:

1. Burn your laptop.

It won't keep Facebook away, but it sure is fun.











2. Eat Crumbly Muffins in Public

No one, not even Facebook, wants to be seen with an idiot whose food always seems to miss their mouth.

3. Stop Changing Your Relationship Status every Two Days

You're making Facebook jealous. Making it jealous only makes it want you more.

4. Flex your Calve Muscles (on Fridays)

Because that's how the celebrities solve their problems.

5. Adopt Twin Capybaras

I don't know why. You just should.

6. Stop telling Facebook all Your Deep, Dark SECRETS

If you lead Facebook on, it will think it's behavior is okay. Besides, the rest of the world sees those deep, dark secrets too and we don't want to know that you STILL wet the bed...at 22.

7. Have a Stern Talk

This is a last resort. Only when things become truly terrible, do you talk to Facebook. If Facebook won't listen, then you should try eating a crumbly muffin WHILE giving it a stern talk.

Ultimately, there is no way to escape Facebook's claws of destruction. Yes, you may despair.

5 Ways To Make Your Dentist Suffer

Tell me that's not evil.

We all hate dentists. If you say you don't, you would be lying. Whether you hate dentists because one of them "accidentally" drilled a hole through your tongue  or you hate how, despite being a dentist, your dentist has NO TEETH, we all want them to suffer.

(If you are a dentist and you're reading this. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!)

Below are the most innovative ways to make your local dentist feel you wrath:

Method 1: Onion Rings

Onion rings is code for any rancid smelling food. This includes, but is not limited to:

Spoiled milk (the clumpy kind is the BEST)

Mildewed cheese (The best way to go green)

Garlic smoothie (also keeps 'dem vampires away)

Dog food

Garbage

Sewer water

Grass

If you want to be REALLY efficient, I suggest you put all of my suggestions (and anything else you can think of) into a pot and make Stinky Stuff Soup.

Method 2: Scream

Every time your dentist gets near you, looks at you, smiles, sniffs you, scream at the top of your lungs. If he asks why, say: "For a moment...heh....I thought you were going to smash me up and make me into your 'special toothpaste' ", then scream again.

Method 3: Forget the Brush

For the entire month before your appointment, don't brush your teeth, don't look at your tooth-brush, don't even think about your toothbrush.

This won't hurt one bit...NOT! *evil laughter*

Method 4: Curious

Before you sit down, ask your dentist what each tool does that he's going to use, then ask him what would happen if you threw a drill at him. He'll probably respond with something stupid that he thinks is cute like: "Then it will hit me. haha". Throw the drill at him.

Method 5:  Snakey

This method only works if your dentist is a semi aquatic, egg laying mammal


of...dentistry  AKA a platypus. Put a rubber snake in your pocket, right when your dentist AKA platypus picks up the drill throw the rubber snake at him! He'll be so scared he'll drop the drill on his feet...It will hurt.

Think: if we all banded together we could make dentists suffer EVERYWHERE! But it starts with you...

Presenting...Boo Radley!

Today, I would like to talk about the wonderful and beautiful Boo Radley. I think he's the coolest thing since minced pears....and edible fedoras (BUY ME ONE FOR MY BIRTHDAY!).

No I don't mean this Boo Radley:

Though, he's pretty amazingsauce, he can't quite compare to this:

Say Hello to Boo Radley. LOOK HOW SHINY!

That's right. Say hello to my little friend. I finally got a MacBook, baby. He shall be called Boo Radley. Below is the top three reasons why Boo Radley amazing, but can't quite compare to my brand new friend, Boo Radley (confused, yet?):

1. Sure, Boo Radley has mad ninja skills, not to mention he's a socially awkward recluse (sound familiar? *cough*likeme*cough*), but can he last TEN HOURS on a single charge? The answer is no. Boo Radley needs TWO charges to last 10 hours. Boo Radley is also a robot...
2. Yeah, Boo Radley is a Robot Ninja, but can he read aloud an ENTIRE webpage? Can he recognize faces just by looking at PICTURES? No. No, he can not.
3. I made this picture on my Mac:

Don't you dare ask me about Boo Radley's pants.

CAN BOO RADLEY MAKE PICTURES!?!?!

Actually, I'm not sure. Let me go ask him.

BOO RADLEEEEYYY!!!!

5 Ways to Stay Unfocused

There are plenty of guides out there with tips on how to stay focused, but because my brain is upside down (it's a rare condition. IT'S NOT FUNNY), I'm going to do things a bit differently. If you do the opposite of everything in this post, you'll be the most focused person on the planet.*

Your status does NOT need to be updated twice a minute.
WE DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT A TACO!

1. SOCIAL NETWORKING

It really shouldn't be called "social networking", it should be called "social webweaving" or "web of iniquity". Social networking sites are designed to suck you in and trap you in a continuous cycle from one network to the other. You're on Twitter and your best friend tweets about her amazing trip to Italy and links to the pictures on facebook. You HAVE to check these pictures, of course, so you can run zit patrol and laugh in her face one you find one. You're laughing because "HAHAHA you were in Italy with a PUS FILLED MONSTROSITY ON YOUR FACE. Italy wasn't so great after all!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? *sob*"

Oh? That's just me? Er... never mind.

2. RESTLESS EATING

Don't you DARE try to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. When you roam from fridge to pantry to freezer and back again, nibbling on food but never actually decided on what you WANT. This is a wonderful way to procrastinate. If any one asks you what you're doing you can get all hysterical and scream "DO YOU WANT ME TO STARVE?!?! WHAT? DO YOU THINK I'M FAT?" Also, this is a great way to actually get fat. You never really know how much you've eaten, what you've eaten, or how TWO Oreos could be an entire serving. There has to be a misprint.

3. MULTITASK

Look, despite what your parents, teachers, or imaginary friends might have told you, you aren't SUPERAMAZINGPERSON/RADIOACTIVECYBORG. You can't multi-task.  But don't take my word for it, try it for yourself! Try writing that english paper AND doing your calculus simultaneously.No, seriously. Do it. See what happens.

4. DAYDREAM

Some of you have no clue how to daydream properly. You actually have to prepare for this if you want to do it correctly. You have to have a plot for you dream and main and supporting characters. There must be radioactive turkeys or you're NOT DOING IT RIGHT! ( Don't try to tell me this is optional. IT ISN'T!)

5. DOODLE

Don't take notes during class. Instead draw funny pictures!! Look at the squirrel I drew during my statistics lecture!

Ain't it PURDY?????????

*I lied. You won't be the most focused person on the planet because everyone knows Chuck Norris is the most focused person on the planet. He's so focused, he can be surrounded by the entire cast of The Jersey Shore and STILL get his homework done...in five minutes.

Three Words I Never Thought I'd Say

There are three words I was sure I would never say, but the beginning of the school year somehow coaxed these words from lips:

I. Need. Coffee.



Of course, in my mind I'm thinking:"Coffee is never the answer! You're already short enough as it is!"

I'm not sure where the words came from. I went to bed at a decent time the night before. I got a full 9 hours of sleep; more than enough for me.  And yet, I almost fell asleep on a lecture.


Anyway...

So last week was the first week of school, hence the lack of posting.   If I said that school is sucking my soul dry, I'd be lying.School is rad! It's more amazing than anything I could have possibly dreamt of. (And yes, I've been dreaming about school since February.) I love my professors and my peers and the nonexistent smells.

Billy is halfway functioning. It's really weird how I don't miss him at ALL.  It doesn't bother me that he's water damaged and will never be the same again. And I'm glad it doesn't bother me. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm too attached to my electronics...(Do not bring up the fact that I name them. I name everything! Remember Jimbob? Don't look at me like that!)

If you're wondering whether this post had any sort of point, it didn't. It was mediocre word vomit. I know you're accustomed to my almost-genius word vomit, but I hope you enjoyed this. I also hope you're not disappointed that I didn't post something awesome about how to go back to school in style...Instead, you got this luke-warm update about my boring life.

Don't worry, next post is about what NOT to do when you can't focus in class.  It'll be inexplicably rad. Pinky-promise.

A Very Potter Sequel (Fusion Friday)

For those of you not familiar with the wildly successful fan-created musical, A Very Potter Musical....now you are. (And really, where have you been?)  If you haven't seen it, this post may not make sense. Click here to watch it. It will take a good 3 hours out of your day...6 if you watch the sequel. Once you start, you can't stop. So, if you have something important to do, you should NOT start watching now.

WARNING: May contain spoilers. Probably won't, but I can't promise anything.

I'm not going to pretend I'm some die-hard starkidpotter fan. I'm not. I JUST watched A Very Potter Musical about a week ago and then I found out there was a sequel and peed my diaper *cough* I mean I watched it.

This is kind of a review...kind of an analysis...kind of a rant. You know me...

So, first off, I found it highly ironic that even though the sequel takes place a year before the original, it's loads more crude.

I liked the first one better. I'm more of a fan of situational humor rather than humor that makes a bunch of pop-culture references. Not to say that there wasn't plenty to laugh at in the sequel, but the first one was more suited to my taste. The sequel is more extreme--more outrageous.Sometimes it's a good thing, but most of the time it's not.

And just for the record, I like Joe Walker's Voldy TONS more than I like his Umbridge.  Joe Walker's performance as Voldemort really can't topped. Umbridge just kind of annoyed me.

The music was more mature (in a good way). Darren Criss' songwriting skills have really developed and it shows in his evolved lyrics and composition.  My favorite song? Hermione Can't Draw. It touched me on a deep, personal level. I also can't draw...not even if I'm reading a how-to-draw book.

Everything from the AVMP that made you go, "huh" is perfectly explained in AVPS. And it really brings everything full circle.

There was plenty to laugh at and plenty to cringe at. I wouldn't recommend this musical to anyone under the age of 13 due to strong language and mature themes.

There's really nothing more to say except...

Over 600 house elves die in toilet related incidents every year. 

Spread the word.  With your help the potty can be a better place for the elves.

Mr. King, I'm apalled!

After learning that I supposedly write like Stephen King from I Write Like..., I did what any normal person would do: I began to cyber-stalk him. I was curious to know more about his writing methods and I made a shocking discovery. Mr. King does not outline. That's not really the shocking part. The shocking part is that he recommends new authors do the same.

Oh vey iz mir.

When it comes to writing there are no set rules. There are plenty of writers who forgo the outlining. However this does not work for everyone. I hate outlining, but if I want any sort of coherent story line, I have to outline. I have trouble focusing on my ultimate goal. I'm easily side tracked.

There are other forms of prewriting, if outlining isn't for you. I would never tell anyone whether or not they should outline, it's really something you have to discover for yourself. But personally, I recommend it.

Pros:

You avoid writing yourself into a corner.

Objectively analyzing your plot is far easier when it's in front of you in simple terms.

Outlining keeps you focused. A focused writer writes a focused story. (Focused stories are the best kind of stories, by the way.)

Writer's block is pretty much nonexistent once you outline.

Cons:

It takes a little extra time.

There's different outlining styles for every writer.

If you're like me, the key to outlining is to hash out enough detail to keep yourself focused, but to keep it open-ended enough to make changes on the fly. (I've always wanted to use the phrase "on the fly" in a legit sentence.) I don't like my story to be set in stone. I love the thrill of never knowing exactly what's going to happen next.

Maybe you're awesome like Mr. King and you can stay focused without the help of an outline. I will point out that as iconic as Stephen King may be, (from what I've read) the way some of his stories end are within a fifteen mile radius of lameville. This is a result of not outlining...either that or he has weak pinkies.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="450" caption="See? Veggies are delish!"][/caption]

Or maybe you need a tight structure in place before you can even THINK of that blank word document. If that's the case, then you need a detailed outline. Down to what your characters will eat before the nearby hotel explodes.

Whether or not you outline is your choice, but choose wisely. Don't knock outlining before you try it. You never know, you might like it.

I'm sure that sounds eerily like the pep talk your mother used to give you regarding your vegetables, but I speak truth.

Creating Memorable Characters

I hold the secret.

The secret that will unlock the power. The power every writer dreams of. The power to create memorable characters! How did I come across this secret and why have I, a mere mortal, been chosen to guard this (somewhat) dangerous information?

All right. Fine.

The truth is there is no exact formula for creating awesomesauce characters. Your English teacher lies. There is a basic structure:

• Name



• Disposition



• Religious/ethical beliefs



• Political (or lack of) viewpoint



• Hobbies



• Mannerisms (Weird or common)



• Likes/dislikes



• Fears



• Desires/ Hopes



• Ambitions (short and long-term)

But the simple fact of the matter is that you could play everything by the book and still end up with a yawn-worthy character (or several). I've seen it happen. I've even experienced it with my own characters. Following the formula is only the beginning. After you've followed the rules, you must ask yourself four questions.

Protagonist Set

Question # 1: Is my character endearing?

There is nothing worse (except a slow and painful death and possibly world hunger) than reading a book that centers around a character you can't stand. For the longest, The Princess Diaries was my favorite movie. When I found out the movie was based on a book, I was savagely excited. Foaming at the mouth, I dragged my mother out to our local Barnes and Noble and bought the book. Whiny, unreasonable, and willfully idiotic, the Mia I found in the book was not the girl I had grown to love. My point? You could have the most epic plot of all time, but if your readers hate the characters, it doesn't really matter.

Not Endearing:

• Perfection



• Whiny Attitude



• Too much angst/self-pity



• Characters who step on puppies

Question # 2: Is my character complex?

Two dimensional characters suck. Harsh, but true. Sorry Bella.

Two dimensional characters are shallow and single-minded. They tend to carry out certain plot points for an author, rather than representing a human being. Sometimes, there's more to a character than antagonizing the protagonist. (See below: Question # 2- Antagonist Set)

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="329" caption="Look at the fire. Look at it."][/caption]

Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender (NOT THE MOVIE), for example, seems to be very two-dimensional at first. Honor, honor, honor, I must restore my honor! Avatar, avatar, avatar, capturing the Avatar will restore my honor! But as we take a deeper look, we find a normal teenager whose misguided attempts to capture the avatar were in hopes of gaining his father's love and approval.  He grows. He learns. He hopes. He dreams. He smolders, too.

Question #3: Is my Character "Basically Good"?

I would just like to clarify that this concept DOES NOT apply to real life. As humans we're all wicked (there aren't "levels" of wickedness. Evil is evil.) and only we can only achieve any form of "good" through God's grace.

However, in a fictional world, this concept does apply. When you choose your character's flaws, they can't be monstrous. Like, if your character murders hobos when she's angry. This would be a terrible flaw and no one would want to read about a character like that.

But if your character has a temper issue this is fine. She might occasionally say things she doesn't mean and have a hard time apologizing. This is an acceptable flaw.

In a similar vein, don't make your character so flawed, that they have no redeeming qualities.  I'm talking to you, Emily Bronte. Abusive characters are NOT romantic.

Question #4: Do My Character's Actions Make Sense?

In real life, people do stuff that makes no sense for no reason all the time. In real life, we question these people, but ultimately accept the fact that most people are mentally ill and move on with our lives.

In fiction, even if you're depicting real life, this is not acceptable. You will be mobbed by angry leprechauns and they'll steal all your lucky charms. Then what will you eat for breakfast?

Behind every action, there must be a motive, a reason, a hope. Something. Everything your character does must be in agreement with who your character is. Even when your character decides to surprise us, this surprise action must ultimately be in character.

Confusing? Welcome to the world of fiction.

Antagonist Set

Question #1: Is my Antagonist effective?

If your villain is meant to be hardcore, don't have him make cheesy jokes, eat jelly beans, or laugh evilly. If you want your villain to be taken seriously write him seriously.

If you don't know what that looks like, read books with laughable villains and with villains that haunt you even when you're awake. You'll begin to see the difference.

In the Harry Potter movies, for example, I always  find myself laughing at Voldie. My thoughts are always along the lines of:



[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="355" caption="Ewww"][/caption]

Voldemort, lay off the Botox. It ain't helping.

Does he ever cut his nails? Why are they pointy like that?

Are those two holes above his mouth supposed to be his nose?

It's called a dentist. Don't they have those in the Wizard world?

Voldemort isn't a particularly terrible villain, but he just doesn't strike fear into my heart.  When I think Voldemort, I think meh. Count Dracula or Drake Merwin, on the other hand...

Shudder.

Question #2: Is my Antagonist complex?

Villains who antagonize characters for the simple reason that the Author needed something to add suspense to the story are boring. They tend to be--dare I say it?-- flat. Blah. Ick.

In the Joker's words,"Gotham deserves a better class of criminal!"

Give your antagonist a history. Why is he a demented psychopath? You don't necessarily have to reveal the details, but keeping the history in mind as you develop your villain, certainly gives him more grit.

Question #3: Does my Villain fall into Classic Clichés ?

If your villain...

has an evil laugh

eats children

has an evil pet (snakes, tigers, unicorns etc.)

has an obscenely large ego

gloats

is stupid

lets jealousy of the protagonist blind him

underestimates the protagonist

is the evil twin of the protagonist

shoves puppies into ditches

finally catches the protagonist then takes SO long to kill him he dies of natural causes and/or gets away

is afraid of light

keeps his heart in a (unlocked) box on some "secret" island that everyone knows about

...then you should just start over.

Question #4: Is my Villain too easy to defeat?

Without struggle... people will be bored.

__

Creating memorable characters is no easy task, but with a little love and a LOT of time, patience, and dedication it can be done. Just a tip: some of the best characters are based off real people.

Review Revolution

It seems as if my rumored "Character Creation" post will never be written. I keep finding more interesting things to blog about.

Sigh.

Moving on...

This post is specifically about fanfiction.net. However, if you don't know what fanfiction.net is, do not fear! This should still make sense and even be applicable in other situations.

Words You Need to Know :

• Beta Reader: A beta reader is like an editor of fan fiction. This is anyone who is sent a story for the purpose of reading and reviewing a story before it is released to a list or archive so that the author can make improvements to the story before everyone else sees it.


• Fandom: The community that surrounds a tv show/movie/book etc.


• Fanfiction: a piece of fiction within a fandom utilizing characters and situations from a preexisting work including (but not limited to) books, television programs, films, and comic strips.


• Flame: A negative, hurtful comment meant only to anger or upset a person.

As a fanfic author, reviews are extremely important to me. I've been writing on fanfiction.net for about a year, writing for three different fandoms and I've noticed that reviewing is not considered an art.

I recently read a fanfiction with 4,000+ reviews. I kid you not, there were pages and pages of mundane comments like:

this is really good.

update soon!

this story is so cool!

i dont like it.

Haha! bob sniffed a cricket!

Then there were slightly more competent comments (with correct punctuation and grammar) like:

This is great! You've really captured the essence of the characters. My only complaint is that it's a bit short.

I don't like this. You make Bob look like a bad guy. Which, honestly, is completely far-fetched. Keep in mind, this is the same Bob who bought a new house to avoid killing termites.

(The reviews above are NOT real reviews. They have been paraphrased for the purpose of this blog post.)

It's a rare thing to find an in-depth, detailed review that covers the merits and faults of any particular fanfiction. Not to say it doesn't happen, but it certainly doesn't happen often enough.  So how do you write one of these mystical reviews?

If You're Vague, Unicorns will die. Is that what you want?

Vague reviews are the  epitome of failure. Personally, it doesn't matter if  you're praising, criticizing, or flat-out flaming me, a vague review is discouraging, not to mention useless.  It's fine to state that you dislike a story, but don't leave it at that. Give detailed reasons why! If you love a fanfic, the same concept applies. Without detailed reviews, it's impossible for a writer to truly improve.

Honesty tastes the best without any sugar.

If you're not honest, then what's the point? No sugar for me!

That being said...

Constructive=GOOD

I will admit, there are some pretty rancid fanfics out there, but most of the time there is--

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="385" caption="WHAT? What am I doing wrong?!"][/caption]

at the very least-- one good thing about each fanfic. Pointing out the good helps soften the blow, but don't hurt yourself. If there's nothing good about the story, DO NOT make something up. You're not doing anyone any favors.

Make Suggestions

Sometimes, an author may not know how to fix an issue. Assume this is the case and make suggestions.

Is their grammar abhorrent? Tell them to get a beta reader, for the love of peanut butter!

Is their spelling contemptible? It's called a spell checker. If you don't have Microsoft Word or something of the sort, Google has a free spell checker!

No plot in sight? Beta Reader!

Flat Characters? Beta Reader!

World Hunger? Beta Reader!

You see, on fanfiction, a (good) beta reader pretty much solves all  problems.

Give Examples

It's always great to give specific examples of what you liked/disliked. Did you think a line was HIGH-larious? Quote it.

Did you see some quotation issues? Specifically reference it.

It's extremely helpful.

Why Review?

Besides the fact that it's beneficial to the writer? It's beneficial to you.

Yes, you.

Reviewing improves your ability to analyze and proofread. By pointing out others' mistakes, your own mistakes become more clear.

Fanfiction.net (and it's sister site, FictionPress, a place for original fiction.) is a wonderful site. It allows the readers to directly influence what is being written. A suggestion from a reader could change the whole course of the story.

You should take advantage of this awesome opportunity to help your fellow writers.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="228" caption="TAKE MY HAND! Or else."][/caption]

Join me in my quest to make Fanfiction.net a better place.

Take my hand and join the review revolution.

Fine, you don't have to take my hand.

*cough*Germ freak*cough*

12 Lessons We Can Learn From Stephanie Meyer

As many of you are well aware, the third installation of the Twilight Saga, Eclipse comes out Wednesday.

Whoopee.

I'm sure you can just feel my excitement through your computer. You can't? Huh. Maybe it's because I don't care? (Though I will admit this movie looks like it will easily be the best of the entire series.)

I must resist the urge to ridicule the trailer or make wisecracks about the second-rate acting. The purpose of this post is not to bash the Twilight movies or the books. Instead, I would like to point out some of Meyer's biggest mistakes along with her triumphs (yeah, she actually had some of those).

Triumph

Whether this was intentional or not, Stephenie Meyer consistently catered to her readers' tastes (not including that horrid birth scene in Breaking Dawn. My eyes still burn...). Some may argue that this is a failure, seeing as her audience is fundamentally a bunch of twelve-year-old girls. (*cough* Excuse my cliché generalization. ) Arguments aside, knowing your audience and writing accordingly is important. Not to say that other people should wholly dictate what you write, but your reader's opinions should be taken into consideration.

Failure

Meyer's characters are 2 dimensional at best and flat-out irritating at worst. Bella, for example, has no interest outside of Edward Cullen, her beloved vampire boyfriend. It's fine for her to be "irrevocably in love". It is a love story after all, but she doesn't seem to have any other interests, hopes, or dreams. One of the many things that set humans apart from animals is our hopes and dreams. A character without aspirations is usually not a character worth writing about.

Triumph

I will admit, Meyer knows how to draw in a reader. Her premise is interesting. It's also fairly original. Meyer started a trend-- a phenomenon of sorts. Notice how vampires and other immortal creatures have taken over the media? We have Stephanie Meyer to thank for that. Every writer prays their novel's concepts would impact society the way Twilight
has.

Failure

If only the plot was as interesting as the premise! There is a plot, I suppose, but it's weak. You take a book like Gone by Michael Grant and compare it to Twilight and you can clearly see where Twilight fell short. Granted, they are wildly different books, but a good plot is a good plot. Maybe if she had some characters with depth, I wouldn't notice the gaping plot holes. Then again...

Failure

Real men don't sparkle.

Failure

As I read the beginning of New Moon, I got excited. ( I also questioned why they wrapped Bella's present, but that's beside the point.) Not because vampire action is just so exciting, but because when Edward left I thought Stephenie Meyer was going to use that scenario as way for Bella to grow as character.

And then she didn't.

Instead, she brought Jacob Black in the picture, introducing us to Bella's newest, furry crutch. Introducing Jacob Black is not the mistake Meyer made. The mistake was that she passed up a wonderful opportunity for character development. The moral? Don't ever pass up an opportunity to develop your characters further. The more developed your characters, the better your story will be.

Failure

Don't ever contradict your own rules. Stephenie Meyer set up rules for her world and then violates them. She clearly states vampires can't reproduce. And what is Breaking Dawn about?  I think I've said enough.

Failure

Renesmee is not even close to a real name. I mean how do you even say that? I realize that this is minor and that's it's already been covered, but really?

Failure

I've always said that Twilight had the potential to be good, possibly great if it had been rewritten a couple of times. It seems to me like Stephenie Meyer haphazardly threw all her romantic fantasies on a couple hundred pages it and sent it to publishing houses without fully assessing whether it was the very best it could be. Maybe I'm wrong. This is an assumption that can't be confirmed.

Triumph

Meyer certainly knows how to take a risk. She essentially threw out all vampire folklore and started from scratch. Her take on vampires certainly is...imaginative.

Failure

Bella's long-winded descriptions of Edward's ethereal perfection leave little room for Bella to inform us of what she loves so much about Edward's character. Sure, he's gorgeous, but he's also moody-- borderline bipolar at times. Oh, and let's not forget the fact that he wants to suck her blood. She never really explains why she's so drawn to him, besides the fact that he's the most beautiful creature she's ever seen and he's "the world's most dangerous predator".

It creates an air of superficiality about the whole relationship.

I could address Edward's stalker-like tendencies that are creepy NOT sweet, but I won't. Instead, I'll leave at this: Attraction is fine. Obsession is not.

Triumph

Meyer doesn't draw out the suspension of disbelief. It could be argued that there is no suspension of disbelief, but I digress. There is nothing more annoying when the reader has already figured out the "grand mystery" and the character hasn't.

Conclusion

We can learn from every writer, good, bad, or in between. I don't pretend to have it figured out. I know how difficult it is to write something worthwhile. I've been working on it for two years and countless rewrites later,  I think I might be on to something. Despite my sarcasm, I'm not ridiculing Meyer. She's achieved success on a surface level. I'm happy for her. While her success is impressive, I hope to achieve much more. I hope to write the book that will truly change lives. I hope to create characters that will live on long after I'm dead.