Hello my dear little readers. It's been far too long. I would say that I've missed you, but I don't know half of you so I would be lying and I'm nothing if not brutally honest.
...
You're right. I lie all the time. It's New Year's Eve so what the platypus, I'VE MISSED ALL OF YOU.
Hope that lie made you feel warm and sticky inside.
So, tonight, I'm ending the year with a fizzle not a bang. I'm even going to bed early. Oh yeah, I'm a trend setter. Instead of some celebratory blog post or fond memories of the year, I am going to ponder random things that may or may not make any sense to the average human being. Of course, I'm not human at all, so my understanding of human logic is limited.
For example, this evening I was looking over my eBay record. It's spotless. Everyone says I'm an excellent buyer and that I make lightning fast payments. It's the most ridiculous thing ever, but I feel like showcasing this on my Facebook profile. I feel like printing it out and framing it. Here I have to wonder if this is my inner nerd shining through or if I have some other deep-seated issue. Of course, I have a lot of issues, so it makes it confusing to ever isolate just one of them. For now, we will assume that I'm just the supreme empress of the nerds and that it is my duty to be proud of such things.
I think too much and this made me wonder what it would be like to be a successful, big-shot eBay seller. I've never sold anything on eBay before, (although I've considered it) so this is all just speculation, but this is how I think a day in the life would go:
2 pm: Wake up.
2:01 pm: Stretch; admire gold-plated ceiling with cheese engravings
2:07 pm: Go back to sleep.
4:05 pm: Wake back up. Check for sells.
4:09 pm: Dance in my money.
4:30 pm: Have old decrepit woman with a pet hippo from next door yell at me for counting my money too loudly.
 |
| Old Lady yelling at me with her Pet Hippo who is wearing makeup for some inexplicable reason |
5:00 pm: Have someone bring me a sammich.
5:30 pm: Sell stuff.
6:00 pm: Smell my money.
6:00: 01 pm: Sneeze because I'm allergic to paper.
6:02 pm: Laugh hysterically for no apparent reason.
6:30 pm: Watch season finale of Oprah on DVD.
6:35 pm: Pause season finale of Oprah to laugh at a funny face someone is making.
7:00 pm: Work on my jet pack blueprints.
8:00 pm: Sing my capybara twins to sleep.
9:00 pm: Sing loudly to the "Double Rainbow Song." Over and over again.
10:00 pm: Wake up the twins with my obnoxious singing. Soothe them and put them back to sleep.
11:00 pm: Skip down the street in a toga and pirate boots.
11:15 pm: Have neighbors yelling at me again, threatening me with their flying hippos.
12:00 am: Devise world domination plans.
3:00 am: Train spandex-wearing cockroach minions.
4:00 am: Train pet platypus.
5:00 am: Eat cheese.
5:01 am: Attend Cheese consul meeting.
5:04 am: Attend Capybara Parents Association (CPA) meeting
5:06 am: Sleep through CPA meeting
7:00 am: Go to eBay headquarters where my powerseller office awaits.
7:01 am: Go back to sleep.
END OF DAY.
I've never sold anything on eBay, but I HAVE done some research. I think this step by step is the closest you'll get to a day in the life.
On a completely separate and random note, WHAT HAPPENS AT PARTIES? Really. I have no clue. It's not that I've never been to a party before, it's just that...I've never been all that attentive. Can someone fill me in? Do you sit and stare at people? And what's the point of mingling anyway? Why can't you just talk to the people you like and ignore all the other losers *cough* I mean people. What's the point of parties? Why are they fun? If you don't like to dance, talk to people, eat, or interact with humans on any level, can you even have fun at a party? Is there a hermit friendly alternative to parties?
Are they a conspiracy of the garden gnomes? If so, I have a message.
Squabs, if you're reading this, know that your plan will not succeed.
It's 10:15 and it's time to go to bed, people of the world.
Happy New Year.
G'night
