Monday, February 7, 2011

The Proper Way to Talk to Yourself

 Some writers outline.  Some writers brain storm. Some writers shove earth worms up their nose. And then there is me.  Sunday evening I finished the first draft of my novel. Finishing that horrid thing has made me happy enough to don my toga and throw pies at walls to the tune of "Mahna Mahna" by the Muppets. This is the first novel I've ever finished. I have a morbid obsession with rewrites, so finishing actually finishing this without stopping to rewrite is almost equivalent to a miracle.  Looking over my novel, I realize that the plot is...nonexistent. Sad, but true.  Of course, that only means one thing: it's time for me to neglect my school work and hash out that plot! But I'm coming to realize that my favorite ways to hash out plots are just a bit odd.

Usually, I climb onto my bathroom counter and have a face to face chat with myself. It's not that I enjoy looking at my face, it's simply the fact I have to make eye contact with myself or I lose focus. You think I'm joking. I'm not.  It's never really occurred to me how odd this must seem until my mom happened to walk past the bathroom yesterday and backed up. She stared at me before asking, "Nicole... what are you doing?"

I shrugged and replied, "Thinking." She gave me another odd look, before asking me why I had to think on the bathroom counter.  I had to look deep into my soul for the answer to this question. After much searching, I have found no answer, but I have found the secret chocolate frosting! No, I'm not sharing. I would tell you the story of how the frosting came to reside in my soul, but I save that story for cocktail parties and intimate minion gatherings.

Although, I didn't find the answer to why I feel need to climb onto the counter to talk to myself, I did realize that I have a bucket-load of strange writing habits. Below are three that would be most helpful to you, my readers (the rest are just weird and help no one, not even me):


Novel Correspondence

It's a novel idea! Okay, that was bad. I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I find myself at the point where I can't even look at my novel, let alone progress the plot. So instead, I write letters to my novel. It's a total waste of time, but relieves much frustration. This is the last note I sent my novel:

Dear Novel,
Plot...jkdfjkdsfhjkdshkjdfhkdsldfljkdfsjkdsfalk
Shanks,
Nicole

They say the best way to move forward in a relationship is to lay it all out in the open. Novels are no different. (Okay, maybe a smidge.) What better way to get all that resentment off your chest, than an angry letter typed with your muscular pinkies...or your forehead.


Empty the Contents of Your Head
That was an intentional spill. That's how I like my milk...yo.

Take your head, cut it open, and scoop your brain right out. Not literally, silly. Get your characters out of your head and into the real world! As you're pouring your milk, think about how your characters would do this simple task. What kind of glass would they get? Would they get a glass at all? Would they pour it in their mouth straight from the carton or pour it on a lizard's head? Would they miss their mouth? Would milk end up in someone's left nostril? These are questions you must answer.  You might even have to impersonate your characters to answer these very important questions. Don't worry, your characters aren't real, so you won't go to jail. Probably. White cells aren't jail...they have padding. Jail doesn't have padding, okay?

On a similar note, talk to your characters if you have to. How do they feel about you? Do they resent you for making them dress up as a Teletubbies in chapter 3? Make sure your characters know you care about them because if you don't care about your characters, no one else will. However, don't coddle your characters. Don't be afraid to torture them. They'll thank you later...or try to maim you with your own foot. Potato, potato.  You know, when you spell that it doesn't make as much sense...Or maybe...it makes MORE sense! Now, I'm confused.

Stand in a Corner

Nothing like rocking to and fro to stimulate those brain cells. You can even whip your hair in the corner. Everything makes sense in corners. What? It's true.

Do you have any weird/useless writing habits like me? Leave a comment! I like comments. Or if you're "normal," feel free to make wisecracks about my increasing lack of sanity.  

Friday, February 4, 2011

Bloggers With Strong Pinkie Fingers: Dan Bergstien

In late 2007, the inner depths of my mind were violated by a series entitled,  Romantic Fantasies of a Certain Lady that Make Certain People Want to Cut out Their Eyes with a Plastic Spoon, commonly referred to as the Twilight Saga. In a retaliation of some sort, I became obsessed with most things that criticized or mocked the series. In fact, my first ever post on this blog was about Twilight. Approximately two years later, the book still haunted me, but I'd moved on...sorta. I was on SparkNotes, one fateful evening and a particular article caught my attention. A little something called Blogging Twilight.  It's now my favorite part of Thursday.

Meet Dan Bergstein, the mastermind behind Blogging Twilight on Sparknotes and the winner of the first ever "Bloggers with Strong Pinkie Fingers" award here on this blog. Congrats, Dan. As amazing as Blogging Twilight is, Mr. Bergstein is winning this award for his very own piece of the web: Laser Farm. Laser Farm is about...something. There is creative writing and disturbing Lego Advent Calenders. I'm not completely sure, but there are amazing pictures and it never fails to make me snortle (snort and chortle). If I were to sum up Laser Farm, I would say it's the makings of an epic blog beyond words or genres.

Dan was so kind to spare a little time for an interview. It was a little bit strange and a whole lot of awesome, but don't take my word for it (I'm not very trustworthy), see for yourself:

Q: I know I'm not supposed to ask, but my curiosity is killing me. Where did the name "laser farm" originate?
A: It was the only name left in the entire world. All other names have been taken. Well, I could have used Duck Rocket, but that sounds like something lewd.

Q: Quick! In one word, describe Twilight.
A: You didn't say please. Stop being so bossy!

Q: What was the first blog post you ever blogged? What was it about?
A: For SparkNotes? Hmmm…I think it was about the show LOST. It got 5 comments and I felt like a king.

Q: What's your favorite organ?
A: The heart…of a pterodactyl.

Q: Your novella was pretty amazing. Are there any plans for an epic novel in the works?
A: I have a few things kicking around...[Evil Grin]

Q: Wombats or Capybaras? Why?
A: Wombats, because they taste less spicy.

Q: What's your writing process? Do you do anything special before you write your blog posts?
A: I don't have any sort of process, though I never wear shoes when I write. Never. That's a bit strange, I suppose. Oh, and I also shove earthworms up my nose to retrieve good ideas from my brain. But everyone does that. Right?

Q: This is a little bit unrelated, but when you finally get your jet-pack, can I borrow it?
A: Yes. But don't get any chocolate on it.

Q: You blog on SparkNotes.com and on BN.com, what inspired you to start Laser Farm? Do you have any exciting segments planned?
A: I love working for SparkNotes and BN.com, but I was the only professional writer without his own Website. I needed a place where people can find and contact me. Plus, I like having the ability to write up whatever I want and post it whenever I want. In the coming weeks, I hope to get a pod cast up and running with a writer friend of mine. And there are some other fun things planned. 

Q: When you're not blogging, at your thinking lake, throwing Twilight books at walls or pretending to be at the airport, how do you spend your free time?
A: I'm an Olympic pole vault judge and part-time liar.

Q: What would be your advice to a new blogger who is just getting started?
A: Real Answer: You have to write every day. You can't expect to reach an audience if you just post once a month. Joke Answer: Shove worms up your nose to retrieve good ideas from your brain.

Q: Tell me about your set of "emotion pants." When do you wear them?
A: The jealousy pants are green. The angry pants are dark purple. The cranky pants are too tight. The happy slacks are denim. The sexy pants are really just a pair of shorts. And the drama pants smell like popcorn butter. I wear them at night.

Q: What would you do if you were confronted by an evil clown at Costco and it wanted to make platonic spaghetti with you?
A: That's a stupid question. My aunt doesn't even go to Costco and she's not evil, just misunderstood.
 ___
There you have it, folks. If that wasn't awesome, I honestly don't know what is.  I would like to thank Dan Bergstien once again for agreeing to answer my eccentric questions. I would also like to thank the voices for providing me with the aforementioned questions.

Want to see your name in the "spotlight"? Send me your blog, you could be next! Click here for more information.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Feminine Lamps Must Die

This is, without any doubt, the nerdiest thing (that's saying something) I have ever done in my life and I'm rather proud of the endeavor. Once a week, (hopefully...) I will transcribe my adventures in creating an entirely new language. From the grammar, all the way to the alphabet. I'll try not to get too technical, but be sure to comment to tell me if you want more details!  Also, tell me if I'm boring you and now, you hate me.

Ah, stage one. Grammar. It's my least favorite part of this whole process and to be honest, I've been tempted to procrastinate more than once; to start with the lexicon or the general sounds of the language, but I'm forcing myself to start with this because if I don't, it won't get done.

First things first, I've decided my language is going to be isolating. Meaning, like Chinese there are no tenses, but instead added words to indicate when an action was completed or perhaps not at all. The reason? Because I'm learning Chinese, so it's only logical to put my limited knowledge of the language to good use. Also, I'm lazy and I shudder at the thought of an inflecting language that uses verb tenses like...Latin. Let's just say Latin and I have never been the best of friends. Feminine lamps? No thanks.
I'm very tempted to do something awesome and weird to add my own personal touch to the grammar, but I've decided the more simple the grammar is, the better. I barely have patience for English grammar.

Do not look directly at the evil. Your eyes will fall out. 4real.

Second things fourth, or wait...how does it go? Nevermind. Secondly, I'm getting rid of adjectives because adjectives scare me, along with cows. Cows are scary.

Cases, cases, oh cases how I despise you. For you seem simple, until it is time to create a language. For this, I had to look up what Ergative means....twice. I still don't get it.  There's a whole bunch of big grammar words involved and I'm not sure I have the patience to look all of them up because by the time I've looked them all up, I will have forgotten what they all mean. So, I'm just sticking to good 'ole English here and using a genitive case form. ("yours" etc.) I know this will cause me problems later because, like cows, English is evil.

Do my nouns have genders? Take a look at the title of this post, bucko. Heck no. I'll probably rethink this later, but at this moment, I'm still rather scarred by the female lamps. Of course, genders don't have to indicate feminine, masculine, and neutral, but we'll see...

 I'm a bit apprehensive about verb inflections, but if I'm not using genders for my nouns it might be helpful. I'm leaning toward a clitic (like in French: Je l'aime.) verb inflection because it's romantic! However, whenever I'm romantic things turn...strange. There are situations with grapes...and pancakes...syrup in people's hair, but that's for a different blog post on a different blog.

Personal pronouns require just a little bit of information about who the language is for. To put it simply, it's for elves! Because of the nature of the world of these elves, the personal pronouns are going to be based on formality and "she/he vs. it." They will be directly related. Calling someone an "it"= highly impolite.

As for numbers, I'm no good at math, and neither are my elves. The number system will be fairly simple, based on the classic "10, 10 and 1, 10 and 2" system.

Slang? Definitely. I'm working on developing some super cool slang. It's not exactly going to be scientific though.  It should be scientific, but I don't know how committed I am to the slang. Especially, if it means I have to spend more time on grammar. Also note: I am awesome, but I'm not cool at all. English slang is a challenge for me, so I tend to make up my own slang and force people to subject themselves to my will...I mean...and hope that they catch on?

That's about it, for now. I hope I didn't bore you to death. Next week, if it interests anyone perhaps I will have an elf highlight the most common grammar mistakes of...the language that I have yet to name officially. For now, we shall call it, "Hisito."

Also, a book was recommended to me...I haven't read it yet, but I hope to...soonish. It's called "Historical Linguistics" by Theodora Bynon. Link: Historical Linguistics.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Write Stories About Spilled Milk

 I found the winner for this week, but the contest is far from over! There's about seven months left, so  keep those blog submissions coming! I've gotten some amazing links.The interview will be up this Friday. Who won? That is for my minions to know and for me to find out. Don't know what I'm talking about? Click here.

Yesterday, I realized that I have serious issues. This may not be news to you, but I discovered yet another thing about myself as a person and a writer that scares me...

To me, everything is a potential short story or novel. Not joking. Sunday at church, someone sat on my purse. Normal people would think, "Hey, get off my purse." or "Don't crush my granola bar, you fool." Not me. My first thought was about writing a short story about a slightly overweight older man, with bad arthritis in his knees who happens to sit on a woman's (who is also old) purse... The story follows their epic journey of freeing the old woman's purse from...his backside's...oppression and then they fall in love.


A couple of weeks ago I was at Costco and a woman was arrested for stealing...something. I don't know what it was, but I really, really, hope it was a giant package of rubber chickens. I don't really want to go into the storyline that came to mind with that particular experience...I don't want to corrupt your innocent and relatively sane minds. It involved robotic aliens and the bending of wills...I'll leave it at that.

I worry about what this means for my already-unraveling sanity. Even when something bad happens, that thought is not too far from the front of my mind. Is life just a gigantic novel waiting to be written? YES...I mean...no...um...

Does this mean I have no real perception of reality?

Possibly, but enough self-psychoanalysis. Here are 7 things about me, as promised:

  1.  I am a Christian who is crazy in love with her Savior. 
  2.  I LOVE SOCKS. SO MUCH. Knee highs, fuzzy socks, Santa socks etc. It's not so much that I like to the wear them. I've never really liked wearing  socks or shoes, but I like the idea of wearing them. Because I like the idea so much, I end up wearing them all the time...Wait. I don't think that made any sense. 
  3. I am the ruler of all cheese. I rule it, but I don't eat it. 
  4.  I rewrote my first novel approximately six times. I am in the process of finishing my current novel (which I hate), so I can start my new, COOL novel. Which is about...something.
  5.  I'm going to change the world. Not joking. 
  6. I am in the process of creating my own language. Not just gibberish. It's going to have grammar and modifiers and so on. I will blog about this soon! 
  7.  I will now use this 7th item to explain the name of my blog. Yay! When I was little, my dad used to call me a "social butterfly." I was friends with everyone and I loved to talk and to meet new people. As I got older though, this kind of started to change. Instead of breaking out of my shell, I turned into a self-proclaimed hermit; a recluse, by choice, if you will. It's not that I don't like people. I love people as much as I did when I was a (smaller) kid. I'm just not as social as I used to. Also, something deep and profound about not wanting to grow up.