New Year, New Ponderings

Hello my dear little readers. It's been far too long. I would say that I've missed you, but I don't know half of you so I would be lying and I'm nothing if not brutally honest.

...

You're right. I lie all the time. It's New Year's Eve so what the platypus, I'VE MISSED ALL OF YOU.
Hope that lie made you feel warm and sticky inside.

So, tonight, I'm ending the year with a fizzle not a bang. I'm even going to bed early. Oh yeah, I'm a trend setter. Instead of some celebratory blog post or fond memories of the year, I am going to ponder random things that may or may not make any sense to the average human being. Of course, I'm not human at all, so my understanding of human logic is limited.

For example, this evening I was looking over my eBay record. It's spotless. Everyone says I'm an excellent buyer and that I make lightning fast payments. It's the most ridiculous thing ever, but I feel like showcasing this on my Facebook profile. I feel like printing it out and framing it. Here I have to wonder if this is my inner nerd shining through or if I have some other deep-seated issue. Of course, I have a lot of issues, so it makes it confusing to ever isolate just one of them. For now, we will assume that I'm just the supreme empress of the nerds and that it is my duty to be proud of such things.

I think too much and this made me wonder what it would be like to be a successful, big-shot eBay seller. I've never sold anything on eBay before, (although I've considered it) so this is all just speculation, but this is how I think a day in the life would go:

2 pm: Wake up.

2:01 pm: Stretch; admire gold-plated ceiling with cheese engravings

2:07 pm: Go back to sleep.

4:05 pm: Wake back up. Check for sells.

4:09 pm: Dance in my money.

4:30 pm: Have old decrepit woman with a pet hippo from next door yell at me for counting my money too loudly.

Old Lady yelling at me with her Pet Hippo
 who is wearing makeup for some inexplicable reason

5:00 pm: Have someone bring me a sammich.

5:30 pm: Sell stuff.

6:00 pm: Smell my money.

6:00: 01 pm: Sneeze because I'm allergic to paper.

6:02 pm: Laugh hysterically for no apparent reason.

6:30 pm: Watch season finale of Oprah on DVD.

6:35 pm: Pause season finale of Oprah to laugh at a funny face someone is making.

7:00 pm: Work on my jet pack blueprints.

8:00 pm: Sing my capybara twins to sleep.

9:00 pm: Sing loudly to the "Double Rainbow Song." Over and over again.

10:00 pm: Wake up the twins with my obnoxious singing. Soothe them and put them back to sleep.

11:00 pm: Skip down the street in a toga and pirate boots.

11:15 pm: Have neighbors yelling at me again, threatening me with their flying hippos.

12:00 am: Devise world domination plans.

3:00 am: Train spandex-wearing cockroach minions.

4:00 am: Train pet platypus.

5:00 am: Eat cheese.

5:01 am: Attend Cheese consul meeting.

5:04 am: Attend Capybara Parents Association (CPA) meeting

5:06 am: Sleep through CPA meeting

7:00 am: Go to eBay headquarters where my powerseller office awaits.

7:01 am: Go back to sleep.

END OF DAY.

I've never sold anything on eBay, but I HAVE done some research. I think this step by step is the closest you'll get to a day in the life.

On a completely separate and random note, WHAT HAPPENS AT PARTIES? Really. I have no clue. It's not that I've never been to a party before, it's just that...I've never been all that attentive. Can someone fill me in? Do you sit and stare at people? And what's the point of mingling anyway? Why can't you just talk to the people you like and ignore all the other losers *cough* I mean people. What's the point of parties? Why are they fun? If you don't like to dance, talk to people, eat, or interact with humans on any level, can you even have fun at a party? Is there a hermit friendly alternative to parties?

Are they a conspiracy of the garden gnomes? If so, I have a message.
Squabs, if you're reading this, know that your plan will not succeed.

It's 10:15 and it's time to go to bed, people of the world.

Happy New Year.
G'night

I Has Hiccups

Stop judging me for my lack of updates. Don't think I don't know you guys sent me that basket full of melted cheese. What am I supposed to with melted cheese, huh? You didn't send me any CHIPS!

I have the hiccups...which reminds me... I saw "How to Train your Dragon" last night and have come to the conclusion that I want a pet Viking. Their hats are so pointy and sharp.  AND they come with dragons!

I think I'll name my Viking...Sauce. Yeah...Sauce the Viking.

Anyway, How to Train Your Dragon is without any doubt the best movie I've seen all year...and I've seen a LOT of movies this years. Far more than I care to admit.

It was everything I could ask for from an animated movie: visually stunning, cool characters, and a decent plot. And though I really like Hiccup, Toothless was the star of the show. I mean, honestly, his name is TOOTHLESS. How can you not love a creature with such a wonderful name?

I guess after such a long time since my last post you don't want my psychotic babble about how I'm in love with toothless dragons. Instead, I'll rant about midterms.

I've decided for this year's midterms I'm not going to study. In fact, I may not even show up. Despite my total lack of effort, I will still ace my midterms.

This is all because over the years, I have collected a large assortment of minions. I will soon post on how you, too, can command your very own army of personal minions.

But now, I must study for midterms...*cough* I mean...collect minions...

How to Cope With Facebook Stalking

Just. Say. No.

You know what I hate? Crumbly muffins.

You know what I hate more than crumbly muffins? Eating crumbly muffins in public. It's so embarrassing. If you don't eat the muffin you look stupid. Who buys muffins and doesn't eat them? Plus it's a good muffin...except it's crumbly. What's wrong with crumbly muffins? You look like an idiot while you eat them.

Crumbs are flying and...uh-oh...you just missed your mouth AGAIN. Now there's a nice puddle of crumbly muffin on your lap. You try to dust it off, but instead those rebellious little buggers stick to your pants. Crumbly muffins have no manners and that's why I hate them.

ACK. Now it's on Boo Radley's keyboard. UGH.

You know what I hate more than eating crumbly muffins in public? Not updating my blog in 2 weeks. Speaking of what I hate...

There are a lot of articles out there covering how to deal with Facebook stalkers, but no one ever tells you what to do when FACEBOOK is stalking you. Not someone on Facebook, the actual social networking site is stalking you. You may say this is outrageous, but happens far more often than you would think.

Here's how to cope:

1. Burn your laptop.

It won't keep Facebook away, but it sure is fun.











2. Eat Crumbly Muffins in Public

No one, not even Facebook, wants to be seen with an idiot whose food always seems to miss their mouth.

3. Stop Changing Your Relationship Status every Two Days

You're making Facebook jealous. Making it jealous only makes it want you more.

4. Flex your Calve Muscles (on Fridays)

Because that's how the celebrities solve their problems.

5. Adopt Twin Capybaras

I don't know why. You just should.

6. Stop telling Facebook all Your Deep, Dark SECRETS

If you lead Facebook on, it will think it's behavior is okay. Besides, the rest of the world sees those deep, dark secrets too and we don't want to know that you STILL wet the bed...at 22.

7. Have a Stern Talk

This is a last resort. Only when things become truly terrible, do you talk to Facebook. If Facebook won't listen, then you should try eating a crumbly muffin WHILE giving it a stern talk.

Ultimately, there is no way to escape Facebook's claws of destruction. Yes, you may despair.

5 Ways To Make Your Dentist Suffer

Tell me that's not evil.

We all hate dentists. If you say you don't, you would be lying. Whether you hate dentists because one of them "accidentally" drilled a hole through your tongue  or you hate how, despite being a dentist, your dentist has NO TEETH, we all want them to suffer.

(If you are a dentist and you're reading this. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!)

Below are the most innovative ways to make your local dentist feel you wrath:

Method 1: Onion Rings

Onion rings is code for any rancid smelling food. This includes, but is not limited to:

Spoiled milk (the clumpy kind is the BEST)

Mildewed cheese (The best way to go green)

Garlic smoothie (also keeps 'dem vampires away)

Dog food

Garbage

Sewer water

Grass

If you want to be REALLY efficient, I suggest you put all of my suggestions (and anything else you can think of) into a pot and make Stinky Stuff Soup.

Method 2: Scream

Every time your dentist gets near you, looks at you, smiles, sniffs you, scream at the top of your lungs. If he asks why, say: "For a moment...heh....I thought you were going to smash me up and make me into your 'special toothpaste' ", then scream again.

Method 3: Forget the Brush

For the entire month before your appointment, don't brush your teeth, don't look at your tooth-brush, don't even think about your toothbrush.

This won't hurt one bit...NOT! *evil laughter*

Method 4: Curious

Before you sit down, ask your dentist what each tool does that he's going to use, then ask him what would happen if you threw a drill at him. He'll probably respond with something stupid that he thinks is cute like: "Then it will hit me. haha". Throw the drill at him.

Method 5:  Snakey

This method only works if your dentist is a semi aquatic, egg laying mammal


of...dentistry  AKA a platypus. Put a rubber snake in your pocket, right when your dentist AKA platypus picks up the drill throw the rubber snake at him! He'll be so scared he'll drop the drill on his feet...It will hurt.

Think: if we all banded together we could make dentists suffer EVERYWHERE! But it starts with you...

Presenting...Boo Radley!

Today, I would like to talk about the wonderful and beautiful Boo Radley. I think he's the coolest thing since minced pears....and edible fedoras (BUY ME ONE FOR MY BIRTHDAY!).

No I don't mean this Boo Radley:

Though, he's pretty amazingsauce, he can't quite compare to this:

Say Hello to Boo Radley. LOOK HOW SHINY!

That's right. Say hello to my little friend. I finally got a MacBook, baby. He shall be called Boo Radley. Below is the top three reasons why Boo Radley amazing, but can't quite compare to my brand new friend, Boo Radley (confused, yet?):

1. Sure, Boo Radley has mad ninja skills, not to mention he's a socially awkward recluse (sound familiar? *cough*likeme*cough*), but can he last TEN HOURS on a single charge? The answer is no. Boo Radley needs TWO charges to last 10 hours. Boo Radley is also a robot...
2. Yeah, Boo Radley is a Robot Ninja, but can he read aloud an ENTIRE webpage? Can he recognize faces just by looking at PICTURES? No. No, he can not.
3. I made this picture on my Mac:

Don't you dare ask me about Boo Radley's pants.

CAN BOO RADLEY MAKE PICTURES!?!?!

Actually, I'm not sure. Let me go ask him.

BOO RADLEEEEYYY!!!!